I've failed...
in taking care of my health, in controlling my emotions, in managing my finances, in maintaining friendships and in life in general. Now, more specifically, I've failed my History paper.
Just found out about the bad news yesterday morning. Got a txt from a friend and I immediately got out of bed. My mum and sister were right outside. I just stood there and mumbled history is out, history is out... My sister offered to let me check my grade on her laptop. I opened the Student Services webpage, clicked a few buttons and I was at the last step - click 'Continue'.
Click.
I stared at the screen for a few seconds in disbelief. All I could do was blame one person... myself.
I have always had the habit of saying that I am going to fail before and after every test, assignment, project and exam. My theory is: if I constantly say that, I will feel a lot better when I know the actual grade. Because my grade will either be the same or higher than expected. But of course, I don't actually think that. Obviously there are some papers which I am more confident at than others. But I still say it anyways.
But it was different for History. I have always been a Maths or Science person, so subjects like English or Classics have never been my forte. So this year I have wagged most of my History lectures, partly because of design, but mostly because I just simply wasn't that interested in it. So when I said I'm going to fail for History, I really meant it. I guess part of me was somehow hoping for a miracle, but it never happened.
"Why didn't I go to those lectures? Why didn't I study harder? What's going to happen now? Am I the only one who failed this paper? I am going to have to stay back a year to finish off my last History paper. I am going to have to graduate a year later than the others. I am going to be left out. My future is ruined. Life would be so much better right now if I didn't fail that paper."
These thoughts constantly occupy my brain, not allowing me to let it go. All of this just feels like a really bad dream that I'm never going to wake up from.
My mum didn't punish me so I am going to punish myself. No more outings from now on (with the exception of birthdays), hence I have Not Attending-ed all of my Facebook events. My summer is just going to be home then work then home then work then home then work again from now on. I am also going to start studying for History again. Mum said I shouldn't be so extreme. But I need to do this, for myself.
I don't mind staying at home all summer. I actually prefer it. This way, I get to spend less money; don't have to think about what to wear; don't have to go shopping because I have nothing to wear; get to do things I don't usually get to do, like cook, read books, exercise, etc (all on my Strike Out list on the sidebar ->)
Speaking of the sidebar, some people might think that I put up my whole schedule and to do list there just to show off. But it's not because of that. I love to post them up on the sidebar and update it, because it actually encourages to do things and have more productivity. It gives me this slight pressure (in a good way) to actually get my ass away from this computer and go do something productive. It is ironic how I actually have to spend more time on the computer to keep the list organised. But this system works for me, because I love it when I get to cross something off my to do list. Sometimes although I have done that homework, I would actually write it in my uni diary, just to be able to tick something off. :P
